5 Stages of Grief
by mylunarmoon
Summary: A twist in the story. In "Twilight of the Apprentice" Ezra was warier of Maul and didn't trust him as easily. When Maul tried to kill Kanan, Ezra did the only thing he could; protect his master. Follow Kanan as he goes through the five stages of grief after losing his Padawan. Told in a series of One-shots.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: Protect**

* * *

Ezra knew Maul was up to something when he began to coax him away from Kanan. He may have gained a little of his trust, but Ezra was no fool. Living on the streets for seven years taught him many lessons on how to survive, and one of those lessons was how to spot people who wanted to take advantage of you. Ezra encountered many shady people in his life, all of them talented in the abilities of manipulation and lying. He had to learn the hard way of seeing past the false pleasantries and promises people always made to not get extorted out of a deal.

Even without the Force Ezra knew when he was being manipulated, when he was being charmed to do what the other person wanted. Maul had a way with words. He wasn't the typical con artists Ezra had encountered, but he shared some of their abilities nonetheless. Maul didn't lie, which made you want to trust him, but when he did speak, every word seemed to be coded in honey for prey to stick on.

Ezra was familiar with guys like these. And he was no prey.

So when Maul asked him to go on ahead, he refused. Giving him a quick "it's better if we stick together" he began moving closer to Kanan. Knowing if he left him alone, Maul would go after him.

It seemed as if Maul was not pleased with Ezra's answer, and for a moment, he let his defenses slip. At that moment Ezra felt the intensity of his hatred, his anger, his rage, his intent, and saw the exact moment Maul redirected it to his master.

Ezra acted before he even saw the red of Maul's blade.

In hindsight, reaching for his lightsaber would have been a better move than using his body as a shield, but Ezra knew there was no time. With force screaming "danger" and his instincts pushing him to run, Ezra did the only thing he could do.

Protect his master.


	2. Denial

**The First Stage: Denial**

* * *

There was too much red.

Malachor seemed to be bathed in it. Maul's blade seemed to embody it. And Ezra. Why was Ezra red?

Kanan reached for his padawan as he began to fall. Cradling him in his arms, he watched as his bright orange suit began to turn red. He could hear Maul's scream of regret. The clash of blades between him and Ashoka. The labored breathing of his padawan. The thrum of darkness in the Force. But Kanan pushed it all away.

Running a hand through his padawans hair, he clutched him tighter in an effort to reassure him. "It's okay Ezra. You're okay. I've got you. Ima gonna get you out okay? I just need you to stay strong. Stay strong my padawan."

Ezra's deep blue eyes looked up at him in complete trust, giving him a strained smile as he struggled to breathe. Even injured as he was, Kanan could feel the thrum of comfort his padawan was sending him through the force as if he was the one that needed comforting.

Taking a breath to calm himself, he reached for his comm. "chopper find our location and bring the phantom to us. We need an immediate evac. Ezra's hurt." Not even bothering to see if the droid replied, Kanan returned his attention to his padawan. Ripping his sleeves from his shirt Kanan tried his best to tie it around Ezra's chest, hoping adding pressure would help stop the loss of blood. Ezra immediately cried out when he made contact. Feeling guilty in causing him more pain, Kanan caressed his hair, trying to soothe him. "I'm sorry Ezra, I need to put pressure on the wound. You're okay though. You're doing great. Just stay strong. You're going to be alright."

Ezra gave him a small nod, his eyes beginning to flutter as if fighting to stay awake. A rush of air brought Kanan back to the reality around him. As he watched Chopper land the phantom behind him, he turned to where he could hear the clash of sabers. Ahsoka and Maul seemed to be at par. Both never losing their edge but never gaining the upper hand either. Anger pulsed through Kanan for a moment as he watched the Sith Lord, wanting nothing more than to join Ahsoka in the battle against the one who had harmed his padawan. But Ezra's labored breathing kept his anger grounded. His padawan needed him and by his side, he would stay.

"Ahsoka! We have to leave!" Kanan yelled, the togruta giving him a small nod of acknowledgment before returning her focus on Maul.

Gently, Kanan picked Ezra up the best he could without hurting him further. Giving the battle a final glance, he made his way toward the phantom, knowing Ahsoka would come when she could.

Watching Ezra's eyelids flutter, he shook him a little to keep him awake. "No, no, no, Ezra I need you to stay awake. It going to be alright. We're going back to the base. We'll get you in the med bay in no time, you'll see. You're going to be alright. You're going to be alright." Kanan didn't know how many times he repeated those same words to Ezra, but they felt like a mantra he couldn't stop reciting. The more he said it, the more he believed it was to assure him instead of Ezra, but he couldn't stop. Because Ezra was going to be alright. He had to believe Ezra was going to be alright, or else he didn't know what he would do.

Setting down his padawan as gently as he could on the phantom, Kanan went to the controls, preparing to leave the Crimson hell. "Chopper we need to go now!" The droid spoke a few words in binary, expressing his confusion over the missing togruta still engaged in the fight. "She's fine chopper. Get airborne, but leave the hatch open. She'll come to us."

True to his word, as soon as the phantom began to rise the togruta jumped in, closing the hatch behind her and turning her gaze to Ezra who was suddenly becoming too pale. Roughly jerking the ship into orbit, Kanan barked a couple of orders for Chopper to get them into hyperspace. Trusting Chopper to get them to the base, Kanan returned his attention to his padawan.

Ahsoka kneeled over Ezra, her face set in grim concentration as she let her hands hover over his wound. Taking his Padawan in his arms once again, Kanan ran his hand through his hair, becoming concerned when he noticed how pale he was but clinging to hope as he saw his eyes continue to flutter.

"Can you heal him?" Kanan whispered desperately, hoping Ahsoka had some way to help his Padawan. Shaking her head, the togruta slowly opened her eyes, looking at him with sympathy and sorrow. "I am sorry. I was never well versed in the art of force healing, but even if I was the wound is it too deep, hitting many critical points. I am sorry Kanan, bu-"

"No, No, NO! There must be _something_ you can do! Anything! Ezra's strong! He will be alright. He is going to be alright! But he won't be unless you HELP him! Please!" Kanan felt his desperation taking over. He couldn't fail his padawan when he was fighting so hard just to stay awake. Kanan was willing to do anything to save his padawan, try anything to help him.

Taking a deep breath at the waves of anguish Kanan was projecting, Ahsoka tried to keep her voice calm, "Kanan you need to calm down. I am sorry, but there is nothing that can be done."

Shaking his head in denial, Kanan felt himself beginning to panic. "There is always something. There is alway hope! Please just try aga-"

"Kanan?..."

At the weak call of his padawan, Kanan immediately looked down, feeling his heart break as he finally noticed how severe Ezra's condition was. There was not a spot of orange Kanan could see on his jumpsuit. It was drenched in red along with his ripped sleeves that seemed to have done nothing to help. The wound stood out like a cruel brand on Ezra's chest, taunting Kanan as a mark of his own failure. His skin was pale. His voice was weak. And his eyes. Ezra's blue orbs that were always filled with mischief and hope, where now faded. Feeling the bond, Kanan almost cried out at how weak Ezra's light was, how different it was to the blazing light he was use to.

As if feeling Kanan's distress, Ezra weakly lifted a hand, gently stroking his cheek while sending waves of comfort through the already weak bond. Weakly, as if fighting to form the words, Ezra gently whispered, "It's alright master. This isn't your fault."

Desperately grasping his hand, Kanan cradled him closer to his chest trying not to panic at how fast Ezra's light was fading, how weak his voice sounded. "Shh, it's okay Ezra. Try not to talk, you need to stay strong. You're going to be alright, I'm going to make sure you'll be alright. Everything's going to be alright." Feeling himself beginning to rock, he cradled his padawan as close as he could, trying to reassure them both.

Weakly gasping for each breath, for each word, Ezra began to speak. "Master. Thank you for everything….."

Recognizing what Ezra was trying to do, Kanan desperately clutched him tighter, "No Ezra you're going to be okay."

"I'm glad I was able to protect you..."

"Ezra, Ezra no please don't."

"You're going to be okay Kanan, you'll be okay…"

"No! No, Ezra, you need to stay with me please!"

Desperately trying to do something, to do anything to keep his padawan from leaving, he latched onto their bond. Ezra's light was almost non-existent now, but Kanan held on. He was not letting his padawan go.

Kanan didn't know how long he spent holding onto Ezra, how long he spent whispering empty assurances to him, but it felt like an eternity before he heard Ezra whisper a small _"I love you"_ as he gave his final breath. With the last his strength, Ezra's flickering light flared, sending a wave of comfort, peace, and affection, before his light was extinguished in the overwhelming darkness.

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Thank you for all your reviews and for your patience!

Something I feel I should clarify: Yes I know lightsaber wounds do not bleed but it added to the aghast of this tale so I just had to add it.


	3. Anger

**Second Stage: Anger**

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Darkness.

There was nothing but darkness.

Cradling Ezra against his chest, Kanan brushed the raven blue hair away from his Padawan's too pale face. Features relaxed, eyes shut gently, Ezra looked mockingly peaceful and could have fooled him into thinking he was asleep if not for the red wound sliced across his chest.

Reaching, searching, Kanan desperately tried to find anything that remained of Ezra's once blazing light. But the force was silent, his light was gone, and Kanan was surrounded by nothing but an overwhelming darkness. The wave of comfort Ezra had sent still lingered in Kanan, cruelly contrasting against his own rising desperation and panic as he began to realize the crushing reality he couldn't accept before. Ezra was gone.

Kanan didn't know when they had arrived at the base. He didn't feel Ahsoka's gentle attempts of comforting him, he didn't hear the crew's arrival or the cry of anguish they emitted when they realized that Ezra was too still, too red, too pale to be alive. All Kanan could feel was the numbing darkness that was beginning to make itself known, the overwhelming silence of the bond, and the crushing reality that the person he loved _like a son_ , was gone.

A sudden pulse through the force grabbed Kanan's attention. Reaching into the pockets of his padawans vest, he took out an object that seemed to burn in a crimson red; the sith holocron. His padawan had kept it. All at once Kanan was engulfed with the memory of Ezra jumping in front of him as Maul's blade cut him down. His padawan had saved him. He had knowingly jumped in front of him, sacrificing his life for Kanan's. Now Ezra was gone, and Kanan was left all alone, and that made him angry.

Anger at Ezra for jumping in front of him. For sacrificing himself in a completely stupid move. For _leaving_ him. Without Ezra keeping him grounded, the anger he felt before engulfed his entire being. Hot red fury like he had never know pulsed through Kanan, and he couldn't help but relish in it.

How _dare_ Ezra leave him like this? Protect him like that? _Sacrifice_ himself like that? Didn't he know how much he meant to Kanan? Why then, was he so willing to give up his life? To _leave_ him behind in a state of anguish and loss. Ezra knew of his past, his own inability to cope with the loss of his Master, the guilt he carried for years in knowing his Master sacrificed herself for him to survive. Ezra knew all of this, he knew how much it would break Kanan if he lost him as well, and yet history repeated itself.

Instead of running away, of staying alive by his side, they decided to surrender it all for _him_. A man who was so broken, so cowardly, so weak, that he did nothing when the ones he loved died in his place. They both _protected_ him in an act so stupid, _so selfless_ , that Kanan could only wallow in his anger and self-pity for being the one _left behind_.

But in the end, the fault wasn't theirs, but his. If he hadn't been so powerless, so pathetic, so scared, so useless, then his padawan and Master would still be alive. They would have never needed to put their lives in danger or sacrifice themselves if Kanan had not failed them in the first place.

He was the one that failed, he was the one left behind, and he was the one at fault. This was _his_ fault. If Kanan had sensed Maul's intent, moved faster to stop his blade, been swifter in reacting, Ezra would still be here. Clutching the body of his Padawan, he couldn't help but notice how lifeless he looked, how cold he felt, and it all served to remind Kanan of his absolute failure to the one he had vowed to protect. A sense of self-loathing began to engulf him at the crushing reality that he could have saved his padawan.

Angry, bitter, and engulfed in grief, Kanan let out a yell in anguish, the force whirling in his agony as he succumbed to the hot angry sobs that wracked his body. Kanan became lost in his anger, wanting nothing more than to lash out in violence in order to ease the pain, to appease his anger. Angry, bitter, and engulfed in sorrow, Kanan could do nothing but sob as he clutched his Padawan closer to his chest, hoping with his very soul he could come back.

Suddenly, he felt arms surround him in a hug, enveloping him in a sense of shared grief, understanding, and affection. Still, in his haze of anger, Kanan fought off the affection he so desperately wanted but knew he didn't deserve, not after his failure. A pair of strong purple hands held him in place, a barrage of colors kept him steady, but it was a voice, so gentle and filled with light that led him back to reality.

"It's alright love, we're here. Im here."


End file.
